It Takes a Stage Crew for Our Final Scene

(Republished from The Fifth Chapter Blog, original date 9/30/11)

The saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.†I think we are about to find out it takes a stage crew for our final scene. There is some kicking and screaming and a lot of help needed at both ends of life. Before that end point, most of us will enter a time when we are unable to handle care for some aspect of our lives on our own. In fact, if you think about it, we all need assistance for large aspects of our survival in the modern age – who brings the food to us from the fields? Not me. I pay someone to do this when I buy my groceries at the store.

At first glance, the 5th Chapter of Life does not look to be a climatic or heroic ending. It looks to be more about decline of function; decline of independence; and, increased reliance on others. To answer my daughter’s unasked question, when do I need to start worrying about you? To answer my own question about when to have The Talk with my own mom, I began to look for a checklist. I love checklists. They make me feel as if I have things figured out. Someone must have a handy checklist that would make it ever so much easier to know when to step in and begin to take over care for your parent or another older loved one. Well, there are and then there aren’t checklists. As Albert Einstein said, “Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted.”

First off, there really are no ages to measure these chapters life. The chapter lines I draw are meant to highlight our movement from growth and independence towards decline and dependence. For some, like my niece who was born with a mental defect, the move into Chapter Five happens when they arrive at adulthood incapacitated. My niece’s entire life is about Chapter Five. For others, like my 101 year old great aunt, who is still living independently, there may be only a slow decline of some functions over years. We can make educated guesses, but one never knows until we actually get there.

During the 5th Chapter, some, but not all functions may decline at various rates. When physical health declines, doctors provide guidance and the individual chooses for themselves how to obtain the assistance needed. Some are blessed with family and friends who can help, others don’t have living family nearby or do not want to burden others, so they find other ways. When mental functions begin to decline, it becomes more important for others to step in, for the protection of the aging adult, and in some cases to protect others as well.

Maybe the “heroic ending” is one of the heart and is started in a story begun long before the final chapter? This could be a story of the bravery of someone offering gifts that will outlive them. Or it could be about the courage of someone facing fears and making plans which will make it easier for their family to cope as they age.

Who will be your stage crew? On whom do expect to rely on to offer care, assistance or even shelter when you reach this critical stage of life?